“나는 심장이 없어…”
To: “포미니스”남지현(‘4Minute’ Nam Ji Hyun)
Onew turned off his cellphone and lied against the wall. He never expected things would turn like this. If only there is Eunmi here, things wouldn’t be as complicated like this. He never expected to fall for Ji Hyun, he never expected that now, his heart is beating for… Kim Kibum.
Onew punched the wall with emotion, he felt like crying right now. He felt like his chest was going to explode because of those burdens.
Eunmi, is this right for me? To love my own bestfriend? To love… a man? To betray my other best friend?
Eunmi, I wish you were here. I already lost without you, and now that I lost Key, what can I do anymore?
2 months has passed. Onew never contacted Ji Hyun personally anymore, so did with Ji Hyun. Jonghyun always make Key busy enough with him and SHINee stuff. They did hang out together, but no more personal talking between Onew and Key anymore. What were left… are those lonely eyes that secretly staring at each other and words that left unsaid.
Onew: He always laughs. He always smiles and bubbly like usual. He, is always be Kim Kibum I used to know. Glad to know he’s fine without me. But why my heart bleeding every time I see him laugh?
Key: I’ve move on. Forget Jinki, I already have Jonghyun who love me so much. Every day I spent with him are filled with happiness. I guess now I can love Jonghyun.
Okay, I lied.
People may see me as a cheerful and bubbly person. But it’s all just a mask. A laughing mask I wear to hide all my sadness everytime I see him. But I won’t beg for love. Just let it go, just let me taste this pain alone. Nobody should know about it. Nobody, include of him.
Usually I always try many ways to avoid him. But today, I don’t know if God teases me or not, my legs just won’t move when I see him playing piano in one of SM’s practice room.
“Even if I knew you would forget me,
I didn’t think it would be that easy for you,
Even if I knew there would be someone else,
I didn’t think it would be so fast…”
Is this song… represents his feeling?
“The left side of my heart hurts so much,
As it gets crushed by something,
Everytime I breathe,
When I think of you, When I hear something about you,
For a long time, my heart was so much in pain
But thinking about it again, I wouldn’t want it differently…”
(K.Will – Left Heart)
Onew stop his playing and suddenly look at me. “Key…,” he mumbles.
“Err… hi.” I try to smile even though it’s awkward so he wouldn’t think that I eardropping him. “Nice play…”
“Thanks…” He smiles awkwardly.
After that, we keep remain silent. Nobody start to talk, It’s really awkward between us.
“Err… You seems like you have a burden. Anything I could help?”
Onew smiles and shakes his head. “I’m okay. Just feeling a little bit… mellow.”
“Is it about her?”
“No…” Onew remains silent for awhile and continue his sentences. “I don’t know. I don’t understand myself…”
Onew gazes at me and somehow, his eyes looks lonely and hurts. “Key, may I ask you a thing?”
“Are you…. Happy with Jonghyun?”
He stares at my eyes deeply, his eyes seems to demand an honest answer from me. Like crushing an imagination I’ve built in my mind.
I take a deep breath. “….yes.” I lie.
“Is that come from your bottom of your heart?”
“Ok.” He continues to play his song and leave me standing in front of the door.
“Jinki, may I ask something too?”
“How was your relationship with Ji Hyun?”
He keeps playing the piano. “We broke up, I guess.”
He doesn’t reply my question. He keeps playing the piano like I were never there.
The piano stop to clink. He turns his head to me and stares with disbelieve look. “Mwo? I-I’m sorry, I think I hear you wrong. Can you speak one more time?”
“Lee Jinki, saranghae yo. Always. Since that day I saw you cried.”
Onew stares at me confusedly and shakes his head. “No, you can’t… I-I can’t… Ah, I should go to restroom.” Onew runs as fast as he can and left me alone.
I shouldn’t do this. I already know that he wouldn’t love me back, but I can’t help myself not to do that. Eottoke?
Something fall from his pocket when Onew runaway. It’s his phone. I pick it up and suddenly I want to read his inbox.
Sunbae, why are you lying to Key sunbae? He thinks that I’m your girlfriend, are you lying to him?
To: ‘SHINee Onew’ sunbaenim
Wait, something’s wrong here.
So Jinki never get together with Ji Hyun? Jinki… lied to me? Why?
Without I realize, I pace up my feet and go find Onew. I need to make sure about something.
I have to.
I slam the gents restroom roughly and find him inside. He’s washing his face in the sink and standing in front of mirror in silence. He looked surprised when I enter the room.
“Jinki, I need to make sure about something.”
“Key…” He whispers weakly.
“Do you… do you love me, Lee Jinki?” I ask him. “Do you ever… wanting me?”
“…..” He keeps shut his mouth.
“Lee Jinki…” I shake his body. “Please be honest to me, I don’t care about the answer. I just have to make everything clear.”
Onew take a deep breath. “Molla yo.”
“Answer me honestly…” I kiss his lips and push him against the wall. I pulverize his lips roughly, demanding for a reply. Force him to open his mouth and kiss me back.
“Key… mhhh….” Onew seems overwhelmed with my kiss. “Please…don’t do this to me.”
“Then reply me…”
Onew sighs and slowly he replies my kiss. He bites my upper lip, suck it slowly and kiss it tenderly. I embrace him and kiss him more and more. Until he set me apart from him and cries.
“mianhae, I can’t do this.” He cries. “You’re Jonghyun’s lover. I don’t want to crush everything between us.”
“But you kiss me back…”
“I know,” he sighs. “I shouldn’t do that, and you shouldn’t do it too. I’m sorry, I can’t love you. I just can’t.”
He can’t love me. Great. Suddenly I feel upset, and sad.
“But do you love me?” I pull all my strength and dignity to ask him once more.
He sighs and bites his lower lips. “…No. Sorry.”
“Then I’ll go. Thanks for your honesty…” I throw his cellphone at him. “Thanks for lying to me for months.”
It’s end. I have to end this painful feeling.
Oneitis. It’s hard to get rid of it.
It’s hard to love another person when all I want is… him.
annyeong Jinki. I have to end this.
“But do you love me?” He asks me.
Yes, I do.
Everytime I see you my heart jumps, everytime I see you with Jonghyun I feel like my heart going to explode because of jealousy. But I can’t love you. I can’t make you suffer like Eunmi.
I’m afraid, you will left me when I already fell in love with you. Not anymore, I don’t want to lose anyone else. I’m happy that apparently, you love me too, but I shouldn’t make you get together with me. So…
“….No. Sorry.” I have to lie to you.
Key look disappointed. And hurt.
“Then I’ll go. Thanks for your honesty…” He throws something to me. My cell phone, and it’s Ji Hyun’s message showed on the screen. “Thanks for lying to me for months.”
He knew that I’m lying to him.
It’s over. Maybe it is the best way for him. And me.
The next thing I know, he left the house with Jonghyun without telling me.
It’s already our period to take a break so perhaps it’s okay for everybody else. But for me, I feel guilty. I feel sad. But relieves at the same time.
I know Jonghyun will make him happy.
Again, perhaps this is the best way for all of us.
Is this going to end like this? 몰라요.
-to be continued-