“When I said that ‘I don’t care’, it doesn’t mean that I really don’t care about you anymore. It just I don’t want you to know that I suffered a lot because of you.”
“Key-ah, come here. Sit next to me…” Jonghyun lingers his arm around Key’s hip.
“Aigo Jonghyun, can’t you see? I’m cooking rite now!”
“I know. I just love to tease you. Hehehe…”
Key chuckles. “Pabo…” He punches Jonghyun’s shoulder slightly. I feel weird inside my chest. He used to punch me like that, and now he do the same thing to Jonghyun. Somehow I don’t like it at all.
I don’t like Jonghyun who take my place. Am I jealous?
Today is the day we’re gonna perform Juliette together with 4Minute girls. And also, it’s maknae’s birthday. Key is busy preparing cake and candies for Taemin in the kitchen while Jonghyun…. He’s sitting at the counter. Watching Key with his full of love eyes and smiling like a fool.
“Don’t stare at him like that…” I mumbled. But of course, he doesn’t hear it. And I don’t want him to hear it either. Why did I say like that?
“Love, can I taste the cake?” Jonghyun asks Key.
“No way! This is for Taeminnie, nobody can taste it before him!!” Key sticks out his tongue. Ah, he looks so adorable, so…bubbly. Like Eun Mi.
“Ah, hyung, why are you standing like that? Come, sit beside Jjong…” He smiles at me—who stand still like a fool and staring both of them.
“Ah, nah~ It’s alright. I don’t want to disturb your precious time together…”
“Wha-?” He looked surprised. “Hyung, I’m just making a cake. So it’s okay for you to join us…”
“Nah…don’t be shy,” I said. I try to smile care freely. “Maybe I should go with Taemin and Minho instead? Hahaha…”
“Why don’t you call your girlfriend, instead of disturbing us?” Jonghyun smiles wickedly.
“Who do you mean by ‘my girlfriend’? I don’t have any…”
“Oh really?” He shows his cunning smile. “So Nam Ji Hyun isn’t your girlfriend?”
How did he know about it? From Key??
I stare at Key. He quickly shakes his head while look upon me. I guess he want to say that he keeps my secret from Jonghyun. But then, how does he know about it? Is it just random thought?
“Why are you not answering?” Jonghyun asks me. “Afraid to say the truth, huh?”
“Yah, Jonghyun, please don’t talk about it. Of course she’s my girlfriend, but we can’t tell public about the truth rite?”
“Hmm… so you admit that Nam Ji Hyun is your girlfriend, huh?”
I take a deep breath. “Just between the three of us, ok? Yes, she’s my girlfriend.”
“Do you love her?”
I roll my eyes. “What kind of question is that? Of course I love her…” But she doesn’t love me.
“More than anything? Or…anyone?”
“…more than anything else…” Really? I’m not sure about it.
Jonghyun grins and claps his hands. “Good. I’m happy for you, hyung. I wish you happiness with her.”
I force myself to smile. “Thanks. Err… I think I’d rather go to the dancing studio to practice once again.”
“Have a safe walk, hyung! Bye bye…” Jonghyun waves his hand. I wave back and grab my bag, and quickly walk to the elevator.
I lied again. To Jonghyun. To Key. To Ji Hyun. To myself.
I’m such a pathetic. Why I can’t just tell the truth? Why I don’t want to be beaten by Key and Jonghyun?
My life is full of lie.
“Have a safe walk, hyung! Bye bye…” I wave my hand to Onew hyung and grins. I can see him awkwardly wave back and go.
As soon as his figure disappeared, Key starts to talk.
“Jjong, you’re so mean…” He said. Tears overflowing his eyes.
“I know.” I said. I hold his hands firmly. “That’s why, forget him already. I could see you pretended to smile when he’s around.”
“No, actually I don’t care about him anymore!! But why are you reminding me of him and ‘his girlfriend’ out of sudden? You make my heart bleeds again…”
“Key, don’t lie to me…” I caress his hair slowly. His tears keep flowing. “I know, when you said that you don’t care about him doesn’t mean that you really don’t care about him anymore. You’re just scared. Scared to show that you eager for him, while he know nothing about your love.”
Key sobs harder.
“Kim Kibum, you’re afraid to be unwanted.” I said. “You can’t lie to me. Coz I know everything, yes I know everything about you.”
“Kim Jonghyun, you’re killing me…” He sobs. “Enough said. I don’t want to hear it anymore…”
I embrace him tight. “I’m sorry Key. I just want you to forget him and love me. Truly love me. Not acting like we did before.”
“Jonghyun…” He embraces me back and sobs. But he doesn’t say anything except keep repeating my names over and over.
“Eonjena jeil neurin ge huhoeraenneunde
Jeongmal babonji kkeutkkaji neowaui kkeuneul nochi motae”
(I always regretted for being so slow. I don’t know if I’m really stupid but I still can’t let go of our bond.)
8Eight—Without a Heart
“Apeudago malhamyeon jeongmal apeun geot gataseo
Seulpeudago malhamyeon nunmuri nal geot gataseo
Geunyang utji geunyang utji geunyang utji?”
(If I say that I’m in pain, I’m afraid that I’ll be in pain. If I say that I’m sad, I’m afraid that I will shed my tears. Why don’t I just laugh, just laugh, just laugh?)
“Lee Taemin, happy birthday!!” Everybody cheer for Taemin and sing him a happy birthday song. We, SHINee, celebrate Taemin’s birthday with 4Minute and the staff after our joint stage on music core.
“Taeminnie, happy sweet seventeen dear!” Key gives a homemade cake—it must be the one he baked this morning with Jonghyun—to Taemin.
Taemin burst into tears when he sees everyone celebrate his birthday. “Thanks everyone. I’m really happy right now…”
“He’s so cute, isn’t him?” Ji Hyun giggles with So Hyun. I’m just smiling seeing them talking about Taemin.
Ji Hyun looked happy, Key also looked happy. Everyone looked happy.
But why I feel lonely?
Why I feel lonely when everyone is smiling and cheering up?
“Happy birthday my baby…” Key kisses Taemin’s cheeks. “So glad that you’re 17 now.”
“Thanks umma…” Taemin smiles and wipes his joyful tears.
“Taemin-ah, this is present from me and Key…” Jonghyun hands over a box of present.
“Thanks hyung!” Taemin smiles happily.
Everybody stands and surrounding Taemin. They laugh, they cheer and have some good time partying. I stand a bit away from them, I feel lonely. But I force myself to laugh with them.
My heart hurts everytime I see Key, Jonghyun, and Ji Hyun. I lost Eun Mi 2 years ago. I failed to get Ji Hyun. And now, I lost Key.
“Sunbae, why are you crying?” Ji Hyun suddenly approaches me and asks. Her face looks worried and confused.
Geureonde saramdeuri wae unyago mureo ireoke utneunde
(But people ask me why I’m crying when I’m laughing like this)
“Am I crying?” I ask her.
“You seem like you want to cry, sunbae.” Ji Hyun sits next to me. “Feels like you have burden on your back. Is anything wrong?”
I laugh, try to laugh to be exact. “No, I’m just fine.”
“But you seem very sad…” She said. “You can tell me your problem if you want…”
I smile and mess her hair. “Thanks to worry me, but I’m fine. It’s just…. I lost my key.”
“Key?” Ji Hyun asks.
“Yeah, I lost my key of heart. I lost my precious things in life one by one.”
“Ohh… am I one of the cause?” Ji Hyun asks.
“Then I’m sorry…”
“Hahaha… It’s okay. I can’t force you to accept my feeling either.”
“By the way, can I ask?”
“Ask about what?”
“The reason why you fell for me. I-It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me, I-I’m just asking…” Ji Hyun awkwardly asks.
“Because you looked like my ex-girlfriend, Eun Mi.” I say. “At first I fell for you because of that, but the more I know you the more I fell for you.”
“….so you like me because I looked like your ex?” Ji Hyun looked a bit annoyed. “Why don’t you get back with your ex?”
I smiled weakly. “She’s dead 2 years ago. And like I said before, it’s not only because you looked like her. I fell for you because you… are you.”
Ji Hyun remains silent. So does with me. We just remain silent, sit together on the couch while staring at those partying people.
Key is still talking with Jonghyun, Taemin and Minho. He looks so bright and cheerful. This is the first time he looks so happy within these days.
“You like Key sunbae, don’t you?” Ji Hyun suddenly asks. She stares at Key with empty-look.
“Wh-what? No…” I quickly deny. “Why are you thinking like that?”
“Because you kept looking at him…” She says. “And those eyes of yours looked very sad when you stare at him and Jonghyun sunbae.”
“Did I?” I ask her.
“Yes you did.” She says. She pats my shoulder slowly. “I think the one who you really like is him, not me sunbae…”
“I don’t know, Ji Hyun. I don’t understand myself. He is my bestfriend, he used to be on my side when I sad or happy. But now, I feel that I lost him…” Tears drip on my cheek without I even notice. “Kibum isn’t here for me anymore. He’s there for Jonghyun. And I hate that…”
Ji Hyun looks at me deep. She wipes my tears with tenderness. “I know what you feel. Why don’t you tell him about your feeling? He probably doesn’t know about your sorrow that he had caused.”
“No,” I shake my head. “I can’t. The situation will be awkward between us. What if he doesn’t have the same feeling with me? Things will be awkward. And think about Jonghyun too…”
“You will never know until you have tried,” She said. “I thought you are a strong leader who always tries his best. And I know you are. Where are Lee Jinki sunbae I used to know?”
Ji Hyun smiles and tries to encourage me. She makes my burden gone a little.
“Lee Jinki that you used to know is here.” I smile back. “You’re right. I should tell him. But not today…”
“Ehh?? Why?” Ji Hyun looks disappointed. “You should tell him faster.”
“Someday…” I smile weakly. “…when the time is right, and when I really understand what kind of feeling is this. I will tell him.”
“Good. Good luck for you, sunbae…^^”
“…and you should tell her either…” I say.
“Ji Yoon-ssi.” I smile. “I notice you often take a quick glance at her.”
“Ah, hahaha…” She laughs shyly. “I will. Later on.”
“Do our best okay?” I raise my hand. “Hwaiting!”
The party was over. And he’s still there, talking with Ji Hyun on the couch. Is he trying to make me jealous? Coz yes, I’m jealous right now. I’m jealous with Ji Hyun who can be his girlfriend.
Are they fighting or arguing? Coz as far as I see, Jinki looked very sad and Ji Hyun tries to comfort him.
“Girls, let’s head to dorm…” 4Minute’s manager says. “We have another schedule tomorrow. Say thanks to SHINee.”
“Thank you very much for inviting us in this party, SHINee sunbaenim…” Ji Yoon says, representing the others. Then she bows, followed by the rest of 4Minute members.
“Annyeong Key sunbaenim…” Ji Hyun waves her hand towards me.
“Ah, annyeong…” I answer. And without thinking I grab her hand—stopping her from leaving now. “Ah, I-I’m sorry…” I release her hand.
“Is there something wrong?” She asks me.
“Err nothing…” I lowerer my voice. “I just want to ask, did you fight with Jinki?”
“You are his girlfriend, right? And I saw you kinda arguing over something…”
“Why did you ask that?”
“Ah, nothing. Just worried about him.” I quickly explain. I can’t tell her that I jealous, right? “I saw he looked very sad during the party…”
Ji Hyun remains silent for a while, and then she laughs. “Oh that… we’re just talking about something…” She winks her eyes. “Something personal.”
“Ohh…” So it’s true that they really get together… I have to let go of him and learn to love Jonghyun. But why it still hurts inside?
“Ne, sunbae…” Ji Hyun calls me.
“Are you jealous of me?” She asks.
“W-what? Of course not, I’m just worry about my bestfriend, Jinki…”
“Is that so?” She smirks. “Well, please wish us happiness forever…”
“Yeah, of course…” I try to smile, but it seems that I can only put an awkward smile. It hurts. “Please take care of him. I know he really loves you…”
Ji Hyun stares at me sadly. I don’t know why she looked like that.
“We have to go now. Annyeong Key sunbae…” She bows to me and go without replying my words.
4Minute’s car. 9PM KST.
“Ne, umma, who are texting?” So Hyun asks when she sees Ji Hyun busy with her phone.
“It’s a secret.” Ji Hyun smiles and continues her message.
Sunbae, why are you lying to Key sunbae? He thinks that I’m your girlfriend, are you lying to him?
To: ‘SHINee Onew’ sunbaenim
Ji Hyun presses the OK button on her cellphone.