do you know how it feels to love somebody you can’t have back?
and do you know how it feels to be loved by someone you don’t love?
“Key, I guess I’m in love now.” He said.
It really hit me on the spot. I can’t say anything.
“Who is she? Is she better than Eun Mi?”
Onew got silenced. “You can’t compare them, they are different.” He said. “But this is the first time I’ve been in love with another girl. I guess now I can move on right?”
And how about me?
“Who is that girl?” I asked. I tried to hide the bitter tone in my voice, I didn’t want him to know about this feeling.
“She’s Ji Hyun. Nam Ji Hyun. You know her right?”
I laughed bitterly. “Yeah, of course I know her. The leader of 4minute, right?”
He smiled and nodded. “You’re right.”
She’s nice. And bubbly like Jinki.
“She’s like Eun Mi,” I said. “You’re not really in love with her, you are in love with the resemblance of her.”
“No! I really like her.” He said.
“How many times I have to remind you, Lee Jinki? Forget her! Forget your past!”
“Kim Kibum, stop it right now. I don’t wanna talk about it again.”
“You’re the one who makes me.” I shouted at him. What’s wrong with me? I feel mad and jealous just by talking about these girls.
“What? Now you blame me, huh?” He looked surprised. “I thought you can understand me, but I guess I was wrong.”
He walked outside with disappointed face and left me alone.
I hate myself, who is jealous at Ji Hyun. She’s really a nice person, how can I blame her for my jealousy? I hate Jinki for unrecognized this feeling of mine. But I can’t blame him, because I never tell him about it.
And I will never can.
I want to cry right now. This burden in my chest feels so heavy.
I love you. But I can’t love you.
Just a glance at him and I know he’s been hurt by him. Again.
“What happened?” I asked him tenderly.
He smiled, but his eyes cried. “He said he’s in love with a girl.”
“Ssstt… Don’t say anymore.” I hugged him. “I know it’s hard for you. But you have me.”
“Jonghyun,” he whispered. “It hurts…”
“I know. Hiding it for 2 years must be hard.” Like I do.
I embrace him tight. And it make him cried hard.
“What should I do, Jong Hyun? I know I should be happy for him, but I just can’t. This love tortured me!!”
“You can cry as hard as you like. It’s okay. You have me.” I caressed his hair.
“Jongie, thanks for being my bestfriend.” He whispered.
I forced myself to smile. Best friend. He doesn’t know either that I love him.
I can’t understand why he looked so mad at me. Am I wrong to be in love again? After 5 years being bounded by the memories of Eun Mi? I thought he was the right person to share. We’re best friend rite? Did he jealous or something? I really have no idea.
I decide to walk along the park. I need some fresh air to clear my mind.
Eun Mi, it’s been a long time since you’ve left me. If you’re still here, perhaps you’ll be as pretty as her now.
“Ah, Onew sunbae, annyeong.” Someone suddenly calls me. I turn my back to see who’s calling me. And apparently, it’s her. It’s Nam Ji Hyun.
She bows down and smiles at me. Oh damn, she looked so cute with the glasses and her candy-color dress.
“Oppa? Annyeong…” She repeats her greeting.
“Ah, annyeong Ji Hyun-ssi.” I reply her.
“Taking a walk too?” She smiles.
“Erm, yeah. I try to clear my mind. Oh crap, it’s clear already. Nothing inside my brain…” I try to crack up a joke. A pretty lame joke.
But she laughs at my joke. “Ahahaha…oppa, you’re so funny. I think you should appear in gag shows.”
“Hahaha…you really think so?” I laugh awkwardly. Oh gosh, I guess I’m really in love.
“Yeah. I really like your sangtae.” She chuckles. “By the way, I should get going by now. I have a ballet practice.”
“Ah, alright. Take care of yourself.”
“Thanks. I’m sorry I disturb your free time, sunbae. Have a nice day…” She bows again and walks off. Leaving me who is amazed at her.
I keep a close watch on her when she go away.
Ji Hyun trips up her feet and fall. My body run toward her without I realize and then I help her.
“Are you okay?” I asks her.
She picks up her glasses and smiles. “I’m okay. Don’t worry, I often fall so it’s no big deal. Haha…”
“You should take care of yourself well!!” I scold her in worry. “An idol must take care of their body well. That’s assets for our job!”
She nods in silence. Her body trembles a bit, I guess she’s afraid with me because I scold her before.
“I’m sorry, Ji Hyun-ssi.” I apologized to her. How could I always hurt everyone I love?
She shakes her head. “No, that’s not your fault. Sunbae was right. I should pay more attention to our surroundings. I’m so sorry for being such a clumsy and careless girl.” She bows her head down.
“No, I wasn’t mad at you. It’s just….errr….” I gulps. “…I was worried about you. I know I am way clumsier than you. But you’re a girl.”
She looked astounding. “…sunbae?”
“Ah, I’m sorry if my words make you confused.”
“No, it’s not like that.” She quickly shakes her head. She get up and pick her bag. “Thanks for worrying me. I never thought you will be worried for me coz we came from different corporate.”
I roll my eyes. “So what with different enterprise? Can I worried about other people?”
“Ah, aniyo.” She smiles awkwardly. “By the way, thanks for your help.”
“Be more careful okay leader?”
“Yes! I will. I’ll try to be powerful leader like sunbae. Annyeong…^^” After take a bow once again, she finally go away.
She’s clumsy like me. Adorable yet powerful in my eyes. She reminds me of Eun Mi.
Maybe Key was right. Maybe I am still bounded with my past. Maybe this feeling is biased.
I don’t know and I don’t care. All I know is……. I can’t take my eyes off from her. And I yearn for Eun Mi’s presence.
Jong hyun gave me an advice. He said that I shouldn’t mad at Onew like that because I have never told him about my feeling.
But he should have know it right? I mean, I support him from the first time we met. I helped him to let go of Eun Mi’s death. I was the one who dropped tears when he’s hurt, when he’s sick, when he’s feeling lonely and sad. I was the one who pray every night for his happiness and take care of him [and the other members of course]. And how come he didn’t realize this feeling of mine until this second?
But yeah, deep down inside my heart, I realized that Jonghyun was quite true too. I never told him about this feeling of mine. I can’t. I’m afraid to break our friendship. I’m afraid to get rejected. I’m afraid he will avoid me.
I’m such a loser.
“Key, what do you think the most important in loving people?” Jong hyun asked me.
I shook my head. “I dunno.”
“Well, it’s different for every people. But for me, to love people is to ensure their happiness. Whether it is because of us or not.” He smiled and caress my head.
I kept in silence when I heard Jonghyun said like that. So I should let go of my love and support him anyway?
And I think he knew what I thought because he continued his sentences. “It’s not like I told you to sacrifice your love, Key. I just think, instead of being mad like that, you should try to reveal your love to him little by little.”
I need some time to think about it and finally agreed with him. “You’re right, hyung. Thanks for being such a great friend.”
“You’re welcome.” He smiled. But somehow, there’s something different with his smile. It looked a bit awkward.
“Hyung, I wonder why you can always give me good advices. Are you in love in someone too?”
He chuckled. “Haha… yeah, perhaps I’m in love with someone.”
“Really?” I raised my eyebrows. “Who is she?”
He kept laughing. It seemed that he tried not to reveal his lover. “It’s a secret.” Finally he answered.
“Because I think it’s best to keep it on my own.” He smiled and went away.
“Hyung, I wonder why you can always give me good advices. Are you in love in someone too?” Key suddenly asked me this question. It made me surprised that I chuckled to hide it off.
“Haha… yeah, perhaps I’m in love with someone.” I said.
“Really?” He raised his eyebrows. “Who is she?”
I kept laughing. What do expect me to say, Key? Should I say that I love you? Nah, that will make the situation worsen.
“It’s a secret.” Finally I answered.
“Because I think it’s best to keep it on my own.” I smiled and went away. Leaving him in the living room alone and went to our bedroom.
I crawled into my bed and lied down on it.
I gave advice to Key, but in fact, I couldn’t do the same as I told him. So far I could kept in my secret without everybody noticed. But to confess about this feeling? I can’t. I am the same as Key.
Afraid to reveal my true feeling. I’m afraid this feeling of mine will be a burden for him.
I really envy Taemin and Minho who can express their feeling freely. They even date each other.
But me? It’s not that I never tried to date somebody else.
I even tried to flirt with Jessica nuna from SNSD although she really made me sick. But I just couldn’t get his face out of my mind.
Yes, I suffered oneitis.
I decide to cook for today’s dinner. Cooking always help me to get over my sadness. I decide to make a tofu soup along with tempura, so I start to cut the tofu into dice-shaped pieces.
Ah, My dubu. I hate to love you so much. I’m sorry coz I’m not being a great friend of you. I’ll try to endure this torture of love. As long as you happy.
“I’m home.” Somebody says.
I quickly turn my back. It’s him. Finally coming back home.
“Welcome back hyung~” I say. I walk approach him, trying to apologize. “Hyung, I’m so sorry for what have happened before.”
“It’s okay Key.” He smiles and mess with my hair. “Maybe you’re right. She kinda remind me of Eun Mi. You know, I could never really forget her.”
“You don’t have to forget her.” I said. I take him to the couch and caress him softly. “If I were her, I didn’t wanna being forgotten either. I just want to see you move on.”
“Have I?” He asks.
I nod my head and smile. “You have tried your very best to move on. She would be happy to see you.”
“Key, do you think I’m really in love with Ji Hyun-ssi?” He asks me again. A very hard question, because my ego won’t accept it.
“I don’t know hyung.” I bite my lips, trying to hold back my almost dripping tears. What should I say?
“Let time answers it.” I finally say like that.
“Is that so?”
“Yeah,” I take a deep breath. “You shouldn’t make a conclusion too fast. You should pay attention to your surrounding too.”
“Hm? Why?” He looked confused.
“Because….” I pause my sentence. “…perhaps there is someone who truly love you. Maybe she’s the one for you, or maybe the one who love you is better for you. Just let it flow…”
“Hmm…that’s make sense.” He leans his head on my shoulder. “Thanks for being my friend, Key. You know, I hate when we’re fighting.”
I lean my head on his head too. “Yeah, me too. I hate fighting with you.”
“I miss Eun Mi right now. Is that wrong?”
I feel like I want to cry. How deep his love is. If only his love is for me.
“No, it’s not. Eun Mi have been your best friend for years. Longer than me. It’s okay if sometimes you miss her.” I forced a smile.
“What should I do?” He asks.
“Well, you love to play piano right? Just play any song you like. I have to continue my cooking.”
He nods and walks to the white piano in the corner of the room while I go back to the kitchen.
He starts to play a song. A melancholic yet familiar notes.
“To the dearest of my life, I just want to tell you I’m doing fine…”
Ah, not this song again. Dearest from Amethyst. He really loves this song, I heard him humming this song many times before without he noticed.
“….you’re the dearest in my life
how I wish we could share laughter together like….yesterday
I pray for God to protect you there
And send this letter to heaven.”
He sings with full and total comprehension. His voice sounds a bit trembling though. I bet he sheds a tear now.
I continue to cook, pretend that I hear nothing.
Onew, I should be the one who cries.
I guess I have oneitis.
No, it’s more to Onew-itis. Suffered because Onew.
-to be continued-
*) Oneitis (or “one-itis”) is an obsession with one woman. Usually a male that has oneitis for a woman is also her IW. A male with oneitis is convinced that this one woman is special and will ‘come around’ to him one day in the future. He generally is not interested in anyone else.
*) Oneitis: A feeling of intense wanting and need for a particular man/woman and only this man/woman
*) Park Eun Mi is fiction character. She’s Onew’s bestfriend in this story.
*) Amethyst is a fiction girlband, which I made up with my friends. LOL.